Why Purpose Is What Holds Us When Everything’s Hard

You know that moment — your hearing narrows, your throat tightens, your heart races, and your brain starts to spiral. Someone says something, or something shifts in the room, and suddenly you’re no longer fully present — you’re just trying to survive the moment.

For me, I often freeze on the outside, even as everything inside is moving fast. My thoughts go haywire, and it takes effort to remember who I am and what I care about.

When those moments come — and they do — I’ve learned there are three things that help:

1. Skills. Listening, asking clear questions, slowing down your response, paying attention to what’s really happening — not just what’s being said.
2. Emotional bandwidth. We’re all overwhelmed. Whether it’s the world or just our inbox, capacity is tight. In these moments, staying grounded is a radical act.
3. Purpose. The reason you’re engaging at all. Not just to win or smooth things over — but because something matters. Purpose is the thing you can return to when you feel off-center. It’s what helps you stay in the room, stay in the work, stay in yourself.

Purpose Doesn’t Have to Be a Life Sentence

There are long arcs of purpose — and there are sharp, in-the-moment ones. I’ve learned to value both.

While I’ve come to understand my deeper “why” over time, what’s helped me most are the daily check-ins. The moments where I ask, What matters here? What do I want this moment to be about?

One of the first times I learned to do this was when my kids were young and we started attending ECFE — Early Childhood Family Education. I remember a parent educator saying, “When you’re making a decision about what to allow or not allow your kids to do, connect it to your family values.”

It changed everything.

Like, if my kid wanted to climb up the slide backward — was there an actual value at stake? We weren’t a family that valued rule-following for its own sake. But if they wanted to slide down face first? That was about safety. So the rule wasn’t arbitrary — it was connected to a deeper value of keeping ourselves and each other safe.

That frame helped me speak with clarity — to my kids and to myself. It became a habit: connect the instruction to the value. Over time, those values became our family compass: honesty, generosity, accountability, rest, presence.

And that practice? It’s the same one I come back to in my work, especially when things get tense.

When Purpose Shows Up at Work

One of the places I use this most is in my work relationships.

I have a colleague who experiences stress very differently than I do. When we’re co-creating a workshop or presentation, she can get very direct and urgent — she wears her emotions on her sleeve. I tend to go quiet. I freeze. I say things like, “I don’t know — what do you think?” while internally spinning.

She wants clarity. I want her to read my mind. We both want to feel safe and heard — but our styles can clash.

When I don’t connect to my purpose in those moments, I either shrink or deflect. It doesn’t feel good, and I walk away unsure of whether I communicated anything clearly.

But when I pause and ask myself: – What’s my goal here? – What’s my role in this moment? – What can I do without losing my soul?

…I can reset. Sometimes I even say, “Hold on. I need a breath. Can we start again?”

I don’t have to name my purpose out loud, but if I can hold it internally — it helps. It helps me meet her where she’s at. It helps me stay in the work. It helps me communicate more clearly without abandoning myself.

That’s purpose as a daily practice.

Let’s Demystify Purpose

Too often, people hear “purpose” and feel pressure. Like it has to be huge, perfect, or lifelong.

But purpose isn’t a slogan. It’s not a brand. And it’s not a tattoo you pick once and live with forever.

Purpose is a filter. A grounding. A compass.

Think of it like financial planning: you get clear on the life you want, then check if your money choices match. No shame — just alignment.

Same with purpose. Get clear on what matters to you — then check if your time, your words, your actions are lining up.

Start small: – What matters to me in this moment? – What would alignment look like in this situation?

That’s enough.

Use This: Purpose in Real Time

Here’s one tool that helps me in real-time. It’s a check-in I use before hard conversations, during tension, or even after things go sideways.

Goal. Role. Soul.

Role/Goal/Soul was created by Alfonso T. Wenker and Trina C. Olson, featured in their book, Hiring Revolution.

• Goal: What am I trying to do? What outcome matters here?
• Role: Who am I in this moment? (Facilitator? Friend? Challenger? Listener?)
• Soul: What can I do without losing my soul? What do I need to protect in myself? Where’s my bandwidth?

When I can answer those, I can usually say afterward, “That felt right. I’d do it again that way.”

That’s alignment. Not perfection — but integrity.

Let’s Build a Practice of Purpose

You don’t need a capital-P Purpose to get started.

Just ask: – What do I care about — here and now? – What kind of person do I want to be — today, in this role, in this moment? – What needs to shift for me to act in alignment?

Want to go deeper? I coach people who want to build the skills, strategies, and emotional capacity to show up in alignment — especially in the moments that matter most. If that’s something you’re ready to explore, let’s talk.

Also: our next Facilitating Cultural Change cohort launches next summer. Dates are TBD, but you can learn more and join the mailing list here: https://bethzemsky.com/workshops/

And a big thank you to Alfonso and Trina for creating and sharing the Role / Goal / Soul framework. It’s one of the most grounding tools I’ve ever worked with.

Let’s stop treating purpose like a mountaintop. Let’s make it a practice. One moment at a time.