Tool Time #2: Listening Three Levels Deep

The Leadership Moment

You’re in a meeting where the temperature suddenly changes.

Someone says something that lands wrong. A chair shifts. Another person jumps in quickly to respond. Voices tighten.

Within seconds, the conversation starts moving faster—but not deeper.

As a leader or facilitator, you can feel that something important just surfaced. But the room is already reacting to the words instead of understanding what’s underneath them.

Most of us think we’re listening in moments like this.

More often, we’re preparing our response.

The Tool

Listening Three Levels Deep is a simple practice that helps leaders slow a conversation down long enough to understand what actually matters to the person speaking.

You can think of it as moving through three layers of attention.

Level 1: Listening to yourself
Your attention is on your reaction. You’re deciding whether you agree, disagree, or what you want to say next.

Level 2: Listening to the words
You focus on the content of what the person is saying. Many of us have learned to paraphrase at this level—repeating back what we heard.

Level 3: Listening for meaning and values
You listen underneath the words for what the person cares about: fairness, respect, integrity, responsibility, belonging, or something else that matters deeply to them.

For example, someone in a meeting might say:

“We keep saying we want input from staff, but the decisions always seem to get made before anyone actually asks us.”

At each level, your response might sound different.

Level 1 — Listening to yourself:
“That’s not really accurate. We’ve asked for input several times.”

Here, you’re responding to your own reaction.

Level 2 — Listening to the words:
“What I hear you saying is that you don’t like it when staff are asked for input but the decision seems to be made before they have a chance to give it.”

Here, you’re paraphrasing the content.

Level 3 — Listening for meaning and values:
“It sounds like this feels like a bait and switch—like the organization says one thing but does another. Is it that gap between words and actions that feels most important?”

Or you might reflect the value underneath it:

“What I’m hearing is how important integrity and trust are here—that when the organization says it wants input, people expect that to actually shape the decision.”

Now you’re responding to the meaning underneath the concern—not just the words themselves.

When people feel that deeper level of listening, conversations often slow down—and become more productive.

Sometimes Level 3 listening means naming a value. Sometimes it means naming the contradiction, fear, or pattern underneath the words.

How We Practice It

In a recent Minnesota Council of Nonprofits workshop on conflict, we practiced this tool through a short exercise.

Because the process itself is new, we keep the topic intentionally simple. Participants might talk about something light—a recent experience or a favorite day—so they can focus on practicing the listening skill itself.

One person speaks. The other listens carefully and then reflects back the values or big ideas they hear underneath the story.

Participants often notice something surprising: being listened to at this level feels very different from simply having their words repeated back.

Instead of just hearing their content reflected, they feel seen and understood.

We use this tool ourselves, too.

Athena shared that she often uses it in conversations with people she tends to misunderstand—especially when communication styles are very different.

Instead of focusing on the exact words someone uses, she intentionally slows down and listens for the values or meaning underneath what the person may be trying to express: respect, faith, responsibility, fairness, or something else that matters deeply to them.

When those values are reflected back, the conversation often shifts. What initially felt like disagreement or frustration becomes an opportunity for understanding.

At its core, this practice is a very specific way of being curious.

Try It Yourself

Think about someone in your life or work where conversations often feel like ships passing in the night—where misunderstandings happen more often than you’d like.

The next time you talk with them, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I listening to respond, or listening to understand?

• What values or meaning might be underneath what this person is trying to say?

• What would it sound like to reflect that back before responding?

Sometimes the fastest way forward in a difficult moment is to slow down long enough to hear what truly matters to the other person.