We’re Using the Word “Values” Wrong

And it matters—because I hear a lot of people right now questioning themselves: am I doing enough, am I showing up the right way?

Part of the problem is we’re not clear on what a value actually is. My definition of a value is that it is something you consistently prioritize—especially when something else has to give. If it doesn’t show up in your decisions, it’s not a value. It’s an idea.

For example—if you say “relationships matter,” (like we do here at BWP) but the moment a conversation gets uncomfortable you shut it down, avoid it, or prioritize being right over staying connected… then “relationships matter” isn’t actually a value you’re practicing. It’s something you like the idea of. Some of the things we call values can be values—but they don’t function on their own.

Things like:

• “customer first”
• “efficiency”
• “innovation”
• “excellence”

Under pressure, they don’t tell you what to do by themselves. “Customer first”… until your staff burns out—then what? “Efficiency”… until it damages a relationship—then what? They need something underneath them to guide the decision.

At BetterWorld Partners, we name values like:

• relationships matter (especially when it requires honesty, repair, or accountability)
  
• care for ourselves and others (and that often requires choosing which one leads in a given moment)
  
• progress over perfection (without abandoning responsibility for impact)

These aren’t perfect. They don’t operate on their own. They require judgment, balance, and tradeoffs. That’s the point. Because values don’t fall apart when it’s easy. They fall apart when they cost you something. And every time you choose a value, you are choosing not to live another one. If you don’t name that tradeoff, you’re still making it—just unconsciously.

We saw this during Operation Metro Surge. This wasn’t just “systems under strain.” This was a federal operation that people on the ground experienced as fear, confusion, and harm. Federal agents showed up masked, without clear identification. They took people off the street, out of their cars, from parking lots, sidewalks, workplaces. No place felt safe. People weren’t just “helping out.” They were trying to protect each other. To keep each other safe. And in that moment, there was a lot of language about being neighbors.

Watching that, here’s what I took from it—not as a universal definition, but from what I saw:

Neighboring looked like paying attention. It looked like checking on people. It looked like sharing information, resources, rides. It looked like stepping in, even when it was inconvenient or risky. It also meant plans got disrupted. People took on more than they had capacity for. Folks had to decide, in real time, what they were willing to risk for someone else. That’s not just proximity. That’s values in practice.

And here’s the part I think matters right now: If you can’t name your values, you can’t practice them consistently. And if you’re not practicing them in small, everyday moments, they won’t show up when it actually counts. If you’re trying to figure out what your values are, don’t start with a list of nice-sounding words.

Start with a hard decision.

Think about something you really wrestled with—not just what you decided, but why it was hard.

What were you trying to protect?
What felt at risk either way?
What did each option make possible?
What did each option threaten?

Usually the tension is there because both options are tied to something you value. That’s the part most people skip.

For example: Say you’re deciding whether to take a work trip that would be good for your career—but it means missing an important family event. If you go, maybe you’re prioritizing responsibility, opportunity, or financial stability. If you stay, maybe you’re prioritizing family, presence, or connection. Now you can actually see the values in conflict.

And once you can see that, you can decide more honestly.

If you want more structure around this, there are some solid exercises out there:

• Brené Brown’s values exercise (narrowing down to core values):
  https://brenebrown.com/resources/living-into-our-values/
• UC Berkeley’s Greater Good resources on values and behavior:
  https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/

Those can be helpful. But honestly, you don’t need a worksheet to start. Your values are already showing up. You just have to look at the decisions that cost you something. And let me add that being aligned doesn’t mean you won’t have to own the impact of your choices.It just usually means you’re willing to.

Over time, people won’t know your values because you said them. They’ll know them because they’ve experienced them.

#BetterWorldPartners #ValuesInAction #Neighboring #PracticeMatters